Re: Chapter XI. Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same.

[Alison Cowan]

I can feel his arms around me what makes me smile a little. He is always searching for my closeness, as me for his...To feel him close to me is something I can never get enough of.

When he turns me around, I stare at him biting his lips and then at his eyes. —Nothing...I am just a normal girl, living in a small town and who is falling for these eyes...— I say, smiling a little. —You and your brother...you were close to each other, right?— I ask, carefully, because I don't want to make him feel sad.

[Synyster Gates]

I nod slowly and I step back, still staring at her eyes.—Yeah, we were...—I say, trying to not look sad. I wish I could talk about him and not get emotional, but it was only a year ago and I can't help still.—Since we were little. He was only a year older than me so we did everything together, since our first steps to our fucking last moments together.— I go to take a sit, just were I kissed her for the first time and then I sigh, I never talk about Jimmy because I feel that everyone wants to know more about it just because of the fame, but I know she's really worried and trying to know me a little bit more.

—He wasn't only my brother but my best friend— I look directly into her eyes and I raise my hand towards her, letting her know that I want her to come and sit with me.— When he passed away... well, I turned crazy If I am honest with you. I've been drunk everyday, and with more woman that I can remember.You have restored my sanity to my life.— I smile a little.— The guys were sad to, so I don't wanted to bother them and I walk away, not fisically, but I did it in a worse way. I only went to practise with the group, sometimes I was lost for a few days... You changed that in a few days and I am going to be thankful for that my whole life, really. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Alison Cowan]

I am staring at him while he is talking about his brother. I always thought that eyes are the mirrors to the soul and in his I can see the pain caused by his loss. But I can swear that there lays so much more behind them. Since this 'thing' between us started, I have the deep desire to know everything about him, good and bad experiences he made. And of course him as a person. Even if I don't know much about him yet, I think he is one of the best people I've ever met.

When he walks over, sitting down at the spot where he first kissed me, I just stare at him before I go to and sit down next to him. It hurts me to see him like that, broken...In his changed tone you can hear that it's hard for him to deal with his brother's death, what I can totally understand. Losing someone is not easy...

Then I can't help but smile a little when he says I helped him to find back to the right path. —You have to know that I don't blame you for the things you did. He was your brother...— I say and turn my head to stare at the city view. —Humans have strange ways to deal with pain...After my dad left, my mom had breakdowns and started drinking. I watched her destroying herself and that...destoryed me too. I was a child and didn't understand why she changed. But I grew up and took care of her and helped her with her alcohol problem. The bad thing was because of that I ignored my own pain, so it was kinda eating me from the inside...— I say and sigh. —Well, but one day I found a way to deal with my pain too. I wrote down my feelings— I tell him and stare back into his eyes. —Don't laugh, but writing dairy and poems helped me a lot— I laugh a little and look down to our hands before I take his in mine. —You are not the only person for who things changed in these past days...I never smiled a lot, but with you I smile more than ever and FOR THAT I am thankful—

[Synyster Gates]

I look at her, trying to recover and not cry. I smile a little while she talks, not because I'm going to laugh at her or judge her, but because I love her way of seeing the world.—You should smile always. Your smile is the best I've seen in a long time...It is as if when you arrive at a place, you are able to bright it. Like an Angel.— I smile a little again, because I said again that "Angel" thing, hope she doesn't mind.

Then, I stay in silence, staring at the city lights as she does it too. Slowly, I put my arm around her soulders, getting closer to her and hugging her strong still staring at the front.—You know? What you told me about poetry it's not something weird or crazy, I do almost the same but with music.— I break the silence and then I stare at her.— I wish you could have met him...He had the true gift of making people laugh and make people happy. I found it hard to realize that the saddest people are the ones who try hardest to make others happy, because they know what it is like to feel miserable.— My voice breaks and some teardrops fall over my face.

[Alison Cowan]

A smile appears on my face when he says that about me being an angel. He is doing that since the night we met and I truly feel blessed. There is no better feeling than knowing you made another person feel better just by being by their side and talking with them. I never wanted something more. Well, actually there is one thing and that thing is an "us".

For a while, we just stare at the view in front of us and then he puts his arm on my shoulders. I lay down my head on his shoulder and enjoy his warmth. I look up at the moment when he starts talking again. In moments like this one, I realise that the people you love can be gone faster than you might think and that humans should learn to appreciate it to have the ones they love around them. I turn a little around, so that my face is right in front of his. Seeing him cry is the baddest thing ever. He means a lot to me and I want him to be happy only, but I know he needs this right now. He needs to talk about his feelings and let out the pain that was in there for so long.

So, I grab his head and put it on my chest and caress his hair. —You two have that in common then...— I whisper. —He loved you, I am sure. I am not really religious, but I believe that after we leave this world, we will meet our loved ones that passed again. He can never be dead, because he lives through you and all the ones that loved him—

[Synyster Gates]

I let myself be covered by her. Being between her arms comforts me, but it also makes me trust enough to show my most sensitive side. I never cry, nor show my emotions. I have learned to put on a breastplate so as not to get hurt, even more.


The others believe that I am overcoming it in my own way, but it is not like that, I was just avoiding this moment; the moment when he finally broke down to cry and accepted that he would not return. Jimmy will never come back. I won't hear his laugh again, endure his hobbies or have a fight with him. We will never spend sleepless nights composing songs and daydreaming about the future that awaits us. No. Jimmy is gone.

This time I can't help it, not only a couple of tears fall down my face, but I break into tears. I had never cried so much, even when I knew he wasn't going to wake up anymore. I didn't want to accept it, but now I know, now is my time to let him go.

Being here, with Allie, is some kind of guilty pleasure. Thinking about my brother makes me feel like someone is ripping my heart from my chest, but being in his arms gives me enough serenity. I don't need more alcohol, more women or more parties. What I need and had needed all this time, was "an Allie." My Allie.

I look up. My eyes are red and inflamed, and my breathing is short. I feel a tightness in my chest that could be confused with nausea. And I know that this pain will never go away. Maybe I will learn to live with it, but it will hurt until the day I die.—He is gone... forever— Forever. Thatword also reminds me of him. I try to breathe deeply and look at her.— I am sorry. I didn't wanted to worry you...— I stand up slowly, feeling the fresh air hitting my face. As the last tears that are on my eyes fall down, I can feel how that heavy stone I was carrying on my back, slowly falls. He is dead and it will be like that, forever.

But he will be with me forever too. And he loved me enough to wish me a happy life, even without him. So tonight it's the night. This is my new start. And he will stay in my memories, and in my heart...foREVer.

Then, I turn around to stare at her again, showing a little smile. I needed something like this. She just saved me, in every way that a person can be save.— Thank you.

[Alison Cowan]

I press his face harder against my chest when I can hear him sobbing. This sound breaks my heart. When I met him he seemed so happy and so fulfilled, but that was a mask he was wearing. He let people believe he was fine, just because he didn't want to look weak in front of the others. He had to carry his pain alone...

I don't stop him nor say he shouldn't cry, because sometimes that's exactly what can help. Just letting everything out. I want him to grieve, I want to share his sadness and I want to make him feel that he doesn't have to hide his broken side from me. I don't want him to suffer any longer, because that would happen if he doesn't do that right now.

So, I wait until he is ready to talk again. When he looks up, his face is covered in tears and his eyes are swollen. I stare directly at them, the pity inside me is killing me. Then he stands up and I deny with my head. "You don't have to be, I would be worried if you didn't cry..." I say. It's strange how your opinion about people can change. First, I thought he was a player, someone arrogant and too convinced of himself, bathing in his fame, but now I think he is the most humble and honest person ever. He isn't the only one who needed a moment like this. I needed it too. I needed it to accept that I love him. I never felt this kind of connection with someone...

He turns around and there is it again, the smile...I stare at him dreamy, feeling how my heart starts beating faster and then I shake my head. "That's nothing to thank for" I say and show him a little smile too.

[Synyster Gates]

She thinks I should not thank her, but what she has just done for me is something I have needed for a long time.—No, really. Thank you.—
I take a deep breath and then walk towards her, very slowly. When we are facing each other, I look into her eyes and smile a little.— I needed this, and I needed it with you...


Little by little I approach her and kiss her lips softly. It's late, I don't know how long we have been together or what time it can be, I just know that the sky is dark and that thousands of stars shine on our heads.—We should go back...— I whisper against her lips. My heart still beats fast, but I feel in peace for the first time since I lost my brother.

I taka her hand, starting to walk outside. While we go downstairs, I call for our official car to come and pick us up, so I can take her home. Or whenever she wants. We only have to wait a few minutes, until its here. I walk towards it first, opening the door for her, and I go behind her, sitting next to her with a tiny smile. This time with her, was the most special moment and intimate I've ever had with anyone.

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